Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Scare?






















I thought I'd start with a picture of my wonderful family. I have been blessed with two beautiful, happy girls and an incredible husband. Of course having two perfect little girls brings up the question, "Are you going to have any more?" or "Are you going to try for a boy?" I found myself in more than one conversation about it already this week (today is Tuesday). I have been struggling back and forth on the issue for a number of reasons. And then something happened--yesterday I got tired and nauseous.
I'll just say right away that I took a test and I'm not pregnant. But before I took the test I found myself dealing with some thoughts and emotions that have made the issue a bit more clear for me. I began to remember what it was like to be pregnant (not hard, it was only a few months ago). Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm not a fan of pregnancy. But it wasn't the physical discomfort that most scared me, it was the depression. I began to remember what my relationship with Jared was like when I was pregnant, what kind of mom I was to Abs, and the many things that I missed out on because I had no energy, no motivation, and no joy.
Jared, thankfully, was very understanding and patient with me and our marriage recovered quickly once I had the baby (each time). Abs, however, doesn't have the reasoning ability to recognize why I would react certain ways so she just stopped wanting to be around me. I had no patience with her and no energy for play or discipline. What took days to recover between me and Jared has taken months for me and Abs.
I missed out on almost a whole year of Abs' life in a way. That's huge considering she's only been around for two years. Now, since she's only two it's pretty easy for her to forget and move on. But what if this happened again when she's a bit older? Would our relationship recover? And would having two kids to take care of while pregnant make things worse?
This is what I was thinking about when I decided to take a test and see. I love my life right now. Not just the aspects of my life, but me, my attitude and who I am. I don't want to lose any more of it to depression if I can help it. I have an amazing husband and two wonderful girls and I want to enjoy every minute of life with them.
But here's the flip of that coin... I only have these beautiful girls because I was pregnant in the first place. I would totally go through it again for each of them if I had to make the choice over again. The issue of having another baby would be a no-brainer if I only considered the hardship involved but the question that plagues me is: In a couple of years will there be someone else to whom I would say, "I'd do it all over again for you"?

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